2005-02-13 - 8:53 a.m.

Numb

Well, since noone reads this, and Deanna doesn't care enough to read it...I might as well just let out everything I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling absolutely nothing. Deanna broke up with me. And she did it for a somewhat selfish reason too. Because she couldn't take the long distance. Because she didn't want a relationship right now. Because she can't do the same things for me that I do for her.(Beliefs) I just went to district jazz. Deanna broke up with me before then. I look forward to district jazz every year because i always have the best time ever there. this time though, I was miserable. When I had said this once before, I meant it..."Without you in my life, my life has no meaning to it." its all too true. I can't concentrate...nothing interests me. I can't be happy with the things I am most happy with. I am even on medication for my depression and it isn't helping at all. A chemical imbalance in the brain can't fix an emotional imbalance in the heart. She told me that as soon as this semester is over, we can get back together because we'll see each other every day. But seriously...what am i? some sort of machine? What am i supposed to do...just sit around and wait? I need to become a stronger person. I used to be...but when I was, I was incompassionate and cold. I want to be dominant and make decisions. I want to be able to surprise my girlfriend. I want someone who will do anything for me, as I would for them. I would give everything to Deanna. If she really wants to drink, she can. She's free to go and screw around with other guys if she wants. The true test of how much she loves me is if she wants to...or does. I don't want to be treated like this. I don't like having to just sit here and be turned on and off like some toy. Its bullshit. But thats probably what I'm going to do. The only difference is that when deanna sees me again...I will not be the same person. I WILL make the decisions. I WILL do anything I have to to get my way. Even if it means hurting her. I'll say "I'm sorry". As a matter of fact, I'll become her. And do what she does. She's so much stronger than me and she's living a great life without me. So the next time we are together. I will be her. There's no other way for me to be happy.

 

what is behind me - what lies ahead!

Back from Emergenza - 2005-02-19
Deanna is trying to kill me - 2005-02-14
Numb - 2005-02-13
True Love - 2005-02-07
District Chorus Tommorow - 2005-02-01